MARK HILL - writer guy
Weird science
Originally published in
The Ottawa Citizen
Weird Science
by Mark Hill
According to an article in this newspaper, a British scientist has been spending a great deal of his time and a fair chunk of somebody else's money figuring out the precise amount of gravy to pour over Sunday supper so there's none left over when you're done. ("Scientists uncover secret to the perfect Sunday dinner" Dec. 2, and "Gravy train" Dec.6)
Dr. Len "Lenny the Scientist" Fisher, a food researcher at Bristol University (motto: "Proudly serving those students who couldn't quite make it into Carleton"), says a meal of meat and two vegetables requires exactly three large tablespoons of gravy.
Fascinating stuff. But what that article failed to mention is the fact that similar, high quality, socially relevant research is being conducted right here in Canada. Right here in Ottawa. By me.
That's right. Here at the Mark Hill Research Institute & Factory Discount Superstore, yours truly and a crack team of scientists, academics, and recently disbarred lawyers are today engaged in an exciting series of cutting-edge research projects all of which have the potential to make your life just a little easier.
Here (carefully cut and pasted from our most recent government grant application) are some of the pressing social questions we are now attempting to answer:
· The maximum number of kilometres per hour you can go over the speed limit before the cops will pull you over.
· The exact amount of toilet paper to leave on the roll so it looks like there's plenty, but there's not actually enough for the next person.
· The minimum amount of java you can leave in the office coffeemaker before your co-workers expect you to make another pot.
· The maximum number of grocery products you can take through the "eight items or less" express line before that old lady behind you raises a fuss.
· The number of times you can kiss the bride before you're asked to leave the wedding.
· The maximum age you can remain unmarried before your Mom starts to think you're gay.
· The cheapest bottle of wine you can bring to a dinner party and still get invited to the next one.
· The youngest girl you can date before your buddies stop being jealous and start feeling creepy.
· The maximum number of personal items a girlfriend can store at your apartment before claiming that "we're practically living together, anyway ..."
· The maximum number of members in a boy band before Teen Beat readers start to get their names confused.
· The minimum time you must wait before asking out your best friend's ex-wife.
· The maximum amount of money you can borrow from a buddy before he decides he'd rather have his cash than your friendship and demands repayment.
· The minimum number of magazines you need to buy before the cashier notices that one of them is Playboy.
· The smallest restaurant tip you can leave without encouraging the waiter to add "a little something extra" to your next bowl of soup.
· The number of days after its expiry date that milk is still good.
· The number of days after its expiry date that milk is still good in coffee.
· The smallest amount of time you can spend in the bathroom before people start to suspect that you didn't wash your hands.
· The longest time you can wait to "say when" before your host stops pouring the scotch anyway.
· The number of times you can threaten to quit before they fire you.
· The most cashews you can mix into your bulk food peanuts before the cashier notices what you've done.
· The number of times a hack column writer can repeat basically the same joke before the reader turns the page.
— 30 --
The Ottawa Citizen
Weird Science
by Mark Hill
According to an article in this newspaper, a British scientist has been spending a great deal of his time and a fair chunk of somebody else's money figuring out the precise amount of gravy to pour over Sunday supper so there's none left over when you're done. ("Scientists uncover secret to the perfect Sunday dinner" Dec. 2, and "Gravy train" Dec.6)
Dr. Len "Lenny the Scientist" Fisher, a food researcher at Bristol University (motto: "Proudly serving those students who couldn't quite make it into Carleton"), says a meal of meat and two vegetables requires exactly three large tablespoons of gravy.
Fascinating stuff. But what that article failed to mention is the fact that similar, high quality, socially relevant research is being conducted right here in Canada. Right here in Ottawa. By me.
That's right. Here at the Mark Hill Research Institute & Factory Discount Superstore, yours truly and a crack team of scientists, academics, and recently disbarred lawyers are today engaged in an exciting series of cutting-edge research projects all of which have the potential to make your life just a little easier.
Here (carefully cut and pasted from our most recent government grant application) are some of the pressing social questions we are now attempting to answer:
· The maximum number of kilometres per hour you can go over the speed limit before the cops will pull you over.
· The exact amount of toilet paper to leave on the roll so it looks like there's plenty, but there's not actually enough for the next person.
· The minimum amount of java you can leave in the office coffeemaker before your co-workers expect you to make another pot.
· The maximum number of grocery products you can take through the "eight items or less" express line before that old lady behind you raises a fuss.
· The number of times you can kiss the bride before you're asked to leave the wedding.
· The maximum age you can remain unmarried before your Mom starts to think you're gay.
· The cheapest bottle of wine you can bring to a dinner party and still get invited to the next one.
· The youngest girl you can date before your buddies stop being jealous and start feeling creepy.
· The maximum number of personal items a girlfriend can store at your apartment before claiming that "we're practically living together, anyway ..."
· The maximum number of members in a boy band before Teen Beat readers start to get their names confused.
· The minimum time you must wait before asking out your best friend's ex-wife.
· The maximum amount of money you can borrow from a buddy before he decides he'd rather have his cash than your friendship and demands repayment.
· The minimum number of magazines you need to buy before the cashier notices that one of them is Playboy.
· The smallest restaurant tip you can leave without encouraging the waiter to add "a little something extra" to your next bowl of soup.
· The number of days after its expiry date that milk is still good.
· The number of days after its expiry date that milk is still good in coffee.
· The smallest amount of time you can spend in the bathroom before people start to suspect that you didn't wash your hands.
· The longest time you can wait to "say when" before your host stops pouring the scotch anyway.
· The number of times you can threaten to quit before they fire you.
· The most cashews you can mix into your bulk food peanuts before the cashier notices what you've done.
· The number of times a hack column writer can repeat basically the same joke before the reader turns the page.
— 30 --