MARK HILL - writer guy
Looking for work in all the wrong places
Originally published in
The National Post
Looking For Work in all the Wrong Places
by Mark Hill
It's a good thing my toxic-waste-dump stock options and my all-child-labour mutual funds are paying big dividends, because I'd sure hate to be out there looking for a job.
A friend of mine was recently laid-off and in the interests of friendship, kindness and not having to pay for all the beer, I've been helping him find a job. After three weeks at the kitchen table cutting job ads out of the paper with my French Army Knife (2 blades; 7 corkscrews), I've become something of an expert on the modern job search.
The first thing I've learned is to forget about the economy as a whole. Don't worry whether the unemployment rate is rising, falling or staying in place. Fact is, no matter what the job market is doing at the moment, your particular field is always in the middle of an unprecedented and ever-deepening slump.
In the newspaper, jobs are divided into two sections: "Help Wanted" and "Careers." Careers lists jobs you'll never get, while help-wanted lists jobs you don't want. Concentrate on the help wanted section, although wages there are significantly lower.
I don't want to get into an economics lesson here, but essentially this is due to the "invisible hand" of the labour market whereby wages are automatically adjusted to reflect the work involved. For example, the job of Hollywood movie star, which involves flattering profiles in People magazine and steamy sex scenes with Ashley Judd, pays about $3-million a picture. Conversely, the job of janitor, which is mostly concerned with scrubbing toilets and scraping gum off the carpet, tops out at around $7 an hour. See how that works?
While we're on the subject of wages, this is a good time to start thinking about salary negotiations. At some point, you're going to find yourself broke, desperate and sitting in a salary interview. This is not the time to blow it, as in: "Based on the skills I'm bringing to the team, I see this as a $60,000 to $70,000 position."
"Mmmm. That's a bit outside our range, Mark."
"Of course, I do maintain a certain degree of flexibility."
"How much flexibility?"
"Minimum wage! $6.85 an hour and I'm all yours! Come on, whaddaya say?"
Anyway, back to the ads where you'll notice that most trumpet the phrase "full-time" as if that were, somehow, a good thing. Most people do prefer full-time to part-time, though I'm of the opposite view. Actually, my favourite job-related phrase is "casual." I just love the sound of it: "So, who's the new guy in the sweatpants and t-shirt with his feet up on the desk?"
"Oh, that's Mark. He's casual, you know."
Now there isn't space here for a discussion of every job listed in the paper, but I do want to make mention of a type of advertisement that we insiders euphemistically refer to as "a disgusting collection of barefaced lies." Consider, for example: "Self starters wanted for management training program. Set up and display. No selling." Call me a cynic, but I can't help thinking this is not the fast-track MBA program at Chase Manhattan. In fact, I'd wager there's a good chance this management training program is heavily centred around vacuum cleaners.
The other type of ad that interests me is the "job wanted" listing. Now it's great to see people taking the initiative with their job search, but what's with those folks offering to do "light housekeeping." Just what are these people saying? "Yeah, I want to work for you. But not too hard. If the going gets tough, man I am outta here."
Actually, I think this "light jobs" business could really take off. Maybe I'll call up the RCMP and offer to do some "light police work." Or head down to the Army recruiting office and sign up for some "light soldiering." No big wars or battles. But if you've got a low-intensity skirmish going on, well I'm your man."
The most popular job-wanted ad reads "Man and his truck. $30." You see it everywhere, but just what does he do? Is Canadian business crying out for this sort of thing? "Listen Fessbinder, our product is getting killed by the competition. What do you plan to do about it?"
"Don't worry JD. It's all under control. We're bringing in a man with a truck."
And it's always "man with a truck", too. There are never any other options. Just once I'd like to see something else. How about "young woman with a high-powered sports car." I'd be interested in that. I'd definitely call the number.
-30-
Mark Hill is an Ottawa writer.
The National Post
Looking For Work in all the Wrong Places
by Mark Hill
It's a good thing my toxic-waste-dump stock options and my all-child-labour mutual funds are paying big dividends, because I'd sure hate to be out there looking for a job.
A friend of mine was recently laid-off and in the interests of friendship, kindness and not having to pay for all the beer, I've been helping him find a job. After three weeks at the kitchen table cutting job ads out of the paper with my French Army Knife (2 blades; 7 corkscrews), I've become something of an expert on the modern job search.
The first thing I've learned is to forget about the economy as a whole. Don't worry whether the unemployment rate is rising, falling or staying in place. Fact is, no matter what the job market is doing at the moment, your particular field is always in the middle of an unprecedented and ever-deepening slump.
In the newspaper, jobs are divided into two sections: "Help Wanted" and "Careers." Careers lists jobs you'll never get, while help-wanted lists jobs you don't want. Concentrate on the help wanted section, although wages there are significantly lower.
I don't want to get into an economics lesson here, but essentially this is due to the "invisible hand" of the labour market whereby wages are automatically adjusted to reflect the work involved. For example, the job of Hollywood movie star, which involves flattering profiles in People magazine and steamy sex scenes with Ashley Judd, pays about $3-million a picture. Conversely, the job of janitor, which is mostly concerned with scrubbing toilets and scraping gum off the carpet, tops out at around $7 an hour. See how that works?
While we're on the subject of wages, this is a good time to start thinking about salary negotiations. At some point, you're going to find yourself broke, desperate and sitting in a salary interview. This is not the time to blow it, as in: "Based on the skills I'm bringing to the team, I see this as a $60,000 to $70,000 position."
"Mmmm. That's a bit outside our range, Mark."
"Of course, I do maintain a certain degree of flexibility."
"How much flexibility?"
"Minimum wage! $6.85 an hour and I'm all yours! Come on, whaddaya say?"
Anyway, back to the ads where you'll notice that most trumpet the phrase "full-time" as if that were, somehow, a good thing. Most people do prefer full-time to part-time, though I'm of the opposite view. Actually, my favourite job-related phrase is "casual." I just love the sound of it: "So, who's the new guy in the sweatpants and t-shirt with his feet up on the desk?"
"Oh, that's Mark. He's casual, you know."
Now there isn't space here for a discussion of every job listed in the paper, but I do want to make mention of a type of advertisement that we insiders euphemistically refer to as "a disgusting collection of barefaced lies." Consider, for example: "Self starters wanted for management training program. Set up and display. No selling." Call me a cynic, but I can't help thinking this is not the fast-track MBA program at Chase Manhattan. In fact, I'd wager there's a good chance this management training program is heavily centred around vacuum cleaners.
The other type of ad that interests me is the "job wanted" listing. Now it's great to see people taking the initiative with their job search, but what's with those folks offering to do "light housekeeping." Just what are these people saying? "Yeah, I want to work for you. But not too hard. If the going gets tough, man I am outta here."
Actually, I think this "light jobs" business could really take off. Maybe I'll call up the RCMP and offer to do some "light police work." Or head down to the Army recruiting office and sign up for some "light soldiering." No big wars or battles. But if you've got a low-intensity skirmish going on, well I'm your man."
The most popular job-wanted ad reads "Man and his truck. $30." You see it everywhere, but just what does he do? Is Canadian business crying out for this sort of thing? "Listen Fessbinder, our product is getting killed by the competition. What do you plan to do about it?"
"Don't worry JD. It's all under control. We're bringing in a man with a truck."
And it's always "man with a truck", too. There are never any other options. Just once I'd like to see something else. How about "young woman with a high-powered sports car." I'd be interested in that. I'd definitely call the number.
-30-
Mark Hill is an Ottawa writer.