MARK HILL - writer guy
Lies my country told me
Originally published in
The Ottawa Citizen
Lies my country told me
by Mark Hill
Writing on this page recently, Michael Petrou outlined some of the common myths Britons believe about the U.S. (Americans are fat, and Europeans are wimps, Aug. 23rd).
Interesting stuff. But what about our myths? Britons may believe some wacky things about Americans. But they don't hold a candle to the nutty things we Canadians believe about ourselves.
Such as --
Canadians brew the world's best beer.
We live next door to the U.S., which is the world's largest producer of really crummy beer. So, compared to the undrinkable suds down south, our stuff is pretty good. But on a world scale, Canadian beer is mediocre at best.
Millions of people dream of emigrating to Canada.
Not really. Thanks to widespread war, poverty and corruption, there are millions of people who dream of leaving the dump they currently live in. And if Canada is first in line with an offer, they'll grab it. But if not, these folks will just as happily settle in the U.K., Australia, Europe or the U.S.
Canadians are the funniest people in the world.
Thanks to a proliferation of silly magazine articles making a big deal of the fact that both Mike Myers and Jim Carey come from Canada, folks have got it into their heads that this country is simply awash with sharp-witted, snappy wiseacres. Fact is, the average British manual laborer is quicker off the comedy draw than most of our professional comics. And as for ordinary Canadians, well it's really hard to be funny when you find absolutely everything offensive to somebody.
Canadians are the most polite people in the world.
Wrong again. Canadians aren't actively rude, but there's little to our much-vaunted politeness than the ubiquitous and insincere "have a nice day." In truth, the most polite people in the world are, no kidding, the Americans. Get past the stereotypical bird-flicking New York cabbie and you'll find more pleases and thank-yous than in any other country.
Canadians are the nicest people in the world.
Canadian niceness, like our politeness, doesn't go much beyond the "have a nice day." But if you take niceness to mean a willingness to actually make an effort and go out of one's way to help out other people, the New Zealanders have us and everyone else beat hands down walkin' away.
Canadians end every sentence with "eh."
Actually, we use "eh" as the Americans use "huh." It's a lazy way to turn a declarative sentence into an interrogative. So the American "nice weather, huh?" moves north of the 49th parallel and becomes "nice weather, eh?" (Okay, it doesn't, because we don't actually have any nice weather, but you get my point.)
There's a lot less crime in Canada than the U.S.
No. There's a lot more violence in the U.S. But as for crime, we're well ahead. On a per-capita basis, there are 30 percent more break-ins, 30 percent more vehicle thefts and 40 percent more cases of arson up here in "safe" Canada.
Everyone loves Canadians.
"Yankee go home!"
"I'm Canadian."
"Oh, sorry. Nice to meet you."
This conversation (which happens a lot less often than most of us think) has created the popular illusion in this country that the whole world just loves us to death. Fact is, the rest of the world likes us no more or less than it likes anybody else. Those Yank-haters don't suddenly like us because were Canadian, but because we're not Americans.
Many Americans sew Canadian flags on their backpacks so people will be nice to them.
In a lifetime of traveling I have tried repeatedly to nail this one down. Despite my efforts, I have not once met an American with a Maple Leaf on his baggage. I've never even met an American who would seriously consider such a thing. Fact is, the average American loves his country and will take any amount of British snarkiness or French snootiness before he'd admit to being anything other than a citizen of the U.S.A.
Canada is world famous for its peacekeeping efforts.
Nobody outside this country knows or cares that "Canada invented peacekeeping." And ever since softy-mushy, "now, now boys, break it up" peacekeeping got serious and turned into war-by-any-other-name peace enforcement, we haven't really done a whole lot of it.
Of course, national myths aren't confined to Canada. Every Frenchman thinks he can cook. Every suburban Aussie office worker believes he could survive for months in the outback. And every American has a little bit of the cowboy in him. But when it comes to national self-delusion, Canada is truly a world leader.
— 30 --
Mark Hill is an Ottawa writer.
The Ottawa Citizen
Lies my country told me
by Mark Hill
Writing on this page recently, Michael Petrou outlined some of the common myths Britons believe about the U.S. (Americans are fat, and Europeans are wimps, Aug. 23rd).
Interesting stuff. But what about our myths? Britons may believe some wacky things about Americans. But they don't hold a candle to the nutty things we Canadians believe about ourselves.
Such as --
Canadians brew the world's best beer.
We live next door to the U.S., which is the world's largest producer of really crummy beer. So, compared to the undrinkable suds down south, our stuff is pretty good. But on a world scale, Canadian beer is mediocre at best.
Millions of people dream of emigrating to Canada.
Not really. Thanks to widespread war, poverty and corruption, there are millions of people who dream of leaving the dump they currently live in. And if Canada is first in line with an offer, they'll grab it. But if not, these folks will just as happily settle in the U.K., Australia, Europe or the U.S.
Canadians are the funniest people in the world.
Thanks to a proliferation of silly magazine articles making a big deal of the fact that both Mike Myers and Jim Carey come from Canada, folks have got it into their heads that this country is simply awash with sharp-witted, snappy wiseacres. Fact is, the average British manual laborer is quicker off the comedy draw than most of our professional comics. And as for ordinary Canadians, well it's really hard to be funny when you find absolutely everything offensive to somebody.
Canadians are the most polite people in the world.
Wrong again. Canadians aren't actively rude, but there's little to our much-vaunted politeness than the ubiquitous and insincere "have a nice day." In truth, the most polite people in the world are, no kidding, the Americans. Get past the stereotypical bird-flicking New York cabbie and you'll find more pleases and thank-yous than in any other country.
Canadians are the nicest people in the world.
Canadian niceness, like our politeness, doesn't go much beyond the "have a nice day." But if you take niceness to mean a willingness to actually make an effort and go out of one's way to help out other people, the New Zealanders have us and everyone else beat hands down walkin' away.
Canadians end every sentence with "eh."
Actually, we use "eh" as the Americans use "huh." It's a lazy way to turn a declarative sentence into an interrogative. So the American "nice weather, huh?" moves north of the 49th parallel and becomes "nice weather, eh?" (Okay, it doesn't, because we don't actually have any nice weather, but you get my point.)
There's a lot less crime in Canada than the U.S.
No. There's a lot more violence in the U.S. But as for crime, we're well ahead. On a per-capita basis, there are 30 percent more break-ins, 30 percent more vehicle thefts and 40 percent more cases of arson up here in "safe" Canada.
Everyone loves Canadians.
"Yankee go home!"
"I'm Canadian."
"Oh, sorry. Nice to meet you."
This conversation (which happens a lot less often than most of us think) has created the popular illusion in this country that the whole world just loves us to death. Fact is, the rest of the world likes us no more or less than it likes anybody else. Those Yank-haters don't suddenly like us because were Canadian, but because we're not Americans.
Many Americans sew Canadian flags on their backpacks so people will be nice to them.
In a lifetime of traveling I have tried repeatedly to nail this one down. Despite my efforts, I have not once met an American with a Maple Leaf on his baggage. I've never even met an American who would seriously consider such a thing. Fact is, the average American loves his country and will take any amount of British snarkiness or French snootiness before he'd admit to being anything other than a citizen of the U.S.A.
Canada is world famous for its peacekeeping efforts.
Nobody outside this country knows or cares that "Canada invented peacekeeping." And ever since softy-mushy, "now, now boys, break it up" peacekeeping got serious and turned into war-by-any-other-name peace enforcement, we haven't really done a whole lot of it.
Of course, national myths aren't confined to Canada. Every Frenchman thinks he can cook. Every suburban Aussie office worker believes he could survive for months in the outback. And every American has a little bit of the cowboy in him. But when it comes to national self-delusion, Canada is truly a world leader.
— 30 --
Mark Hill is an Ottawa writer.